


Desolation

by waywardjoy (CNK80Q3demoneyes)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AKF, Angst, Attempted Suicide, Blood, Depression, F/M, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 15:47:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14047584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CNK80Q3demoneyes/pseuds/waywardjoy
Summary: One bad phone call drives an already depressed reader over the edge.Internal dialogue in italics***In honor of the third anniversary of Jared’s launch of the Always Keep Fighting campaign.  Please continue to spread awareness and seek help if needed.





	Desolation

**Author's Note:**

> If you experience any of the thoughts in this fic please seek help.  
> International Help lines https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> USA Helpline 1-800-273-8255

Staring at my reflection, I am mesmerized by the mess I see. My eyes, blood red from crying. Tear tracks and snot streaking my cheeks. The tiredness that began some time ago remains like a veil over my skin, grey and cold. Sam’s anger echoing in my ear as my phone lay abandoned somewhere near my feet. 

“Dammit Y/N! It was a rougarou not a black dog! You nearly got us all killed! Dean’s blood is on your hands!”

_“They never should have trusted you with this. You are never going to be what they need. What they want. You let them down! You let everyone down! You can’t do anything right! You’re no hunter. Certainly not a woman of letters. That kid almost died because of you. Dean is hurt because of you. They don’t need your brand of help. They certainly don’t want it. That’s why you are here. Don’t you get that. They don’t want you. You are a liability. You are useless. Dean told you to stay here because he doesn’t trust you. He told you to do the research. You couldn’t even do that right. Now look at what you’ve caused! How many more have to die for you to understand this?_

_Do you honestly think Dean wants you? That he cares for you? He’s never going to love you. Not like you love him. You are just a warm body to him. A convenience. He can do so much better than you. He could have anyone. Anytime. Anywhere.”_

I continue to stare at my face, slightly shocked to see my mouth remain unmoved. My own words screaming in my head. 

_“You can end this, you know. It won’t take much. All this pain. All this suffering. Your useless pathetic waste of a life. It can all end. You know you want to.”_

My reflection disappears as the shelves of the medicine cabinet replace it. Tidy rows of pill bottles. Names I’ve never heard of before. So many options. But it’s the glint of metal, the shine of a blade, that draws my attention. It’s in my fingers’ grasp before I tell it to be. 

_“Just do it. Do it you coward!”_

My reflection is back. She looks confused as well as angry. I don’t understand what is happening to me. It has all been under the surface for so long. But I have never considered this. I close my eyes and turn away from her. I can’t look at her any more. She’s right. 

My desolation hangs by a thin thread, too fragile to hold something so heavy. Self loathing causing the thread to finally break releasing the weight on me. It falls too fast, and before I can escape I am pinned down. It crushes my ribs, making it hard to breathe. I try to scream; a cry for help is of no use. No one else would see it - the weight that has been slowly crushing me to death. 

It has all been too much. The grief. The guilt. My despair and self hatred. Is all just too much. This must end. Now. I won’t be anyone’s burden. I won’t cause anyone else any harm. 

When I open my eyes again, choice made, I find myself sitting on the cold bathroom floor. I have no recollection of how I got there. 

_“Come on darlin. Repeat out loud. I am unworthy.”_

“I- I-“ 

_“Now!”_

“I am unworthy.” 

_“Good girl. Now, I am unlovable.”_

“I’m unlovable.” 

_“I am useless.”_

“I am useless.” 

The first cut is like an anesthetic. My mind quiets immediately. My lungs fully expand for the first time in forever. 

I feel free. 

I dig the blade deeper. Pushing hard from elbow to wrist. As the flesh splits, garish crimson liquid pops from the barrier and seeps away from the wound. Thick beads crawling down towards my fingers. I watch fascinated as it drips and pools on cream colored tiles. Blood smears on the blade making it slip as I repeat my lines on the other arm. 

A manic laugh escapes my lips as I realize I have become so numb that even physical pain can’t touch me. 

_“Oops. My bad. Allow me.”_

An inhuman howl of pain tears from my throat. 

_“That’s better.”_

“What is happening?” 

_“Hush now. This is what you wanted, remember?”_

“W-why are you d-doing this?” 

_“You and I, we’re gonna teach them how to say goodbye.”_

“N-No.” 

“It’s too late sweetheart. Just rest. The damage is already done. Nothing to do but wait. It’ll all be over soon.” 

The words echo in my skull. Pounding. Terrifying. And yet like a gentle caress. Yes. This is for the best. Everything made perfect sense. It is for the greater good. 

I lay my head on the cold red tiles, ignoring the wet stickiness clinging to my face and hair. As the numbness spreads through my body, I close my eyes and await oblivion. 

_****_

_********_

“You were right, Y/N/N. It was a rougarou, not a black dog. But we got it. Thanks for figuring that out. We never would have saved the kid it if weren’t for you. Y/N? Hey Y/N, are you there?” Sam glanced at his phone checking that he hadn’t lost the call. 

Dean looked from the road to his brother, “she okay?” 

“I don’t know. She was there, now all I can hear is her breathing.” 

“Don’t you worry Sammy-boy. Y/N is doing just fine. Aren’t we sweetheart? We’ll be waiting for you boys.” A sugary sweet hiss sounded through the phone. 

“Who the hell are you? What did you do with Y/N?” Sam’s words were cut off by the sound of a dial tone. 

The hunt hadn’t been far away. They were nearly back to the bunker when Sam had made the call. Dean’s foot pressed harder on the accelerator, hoping they would make it back in time. Not sure what they would find. 

_*******_

_****_

Darkness follows. I can’t feel my body. Just the cold. 

But I can hear voices, in the distance. 

“Stay with me, Y/N!” 

“You can’t save this one. You’re too late!” These words are not mine. But I taste them on my tongue. 

“Christo.” 

I flinch. 

“Son of a bitch! Come on, Y/N/N! You have to fight it!” 

Fight? Fight what, Dean? I am so confused. I want the darkness back. 

“Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas..” 

I feel my body convulse. Something within me is thrashing. 

“...omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica...” 

More words spew from my mouth without my permission. “This isn’t over! We will come for her again! If she survives.” 

I can hear my own voice screaming. Pain explodes everywhere. I am sure I won’t survive this. I know I don’t want to. I beg for oblivion. 

“Please…” 

“Ergo, draco maledicte. Ecclesiam tuam securi tibi facias libertate servire, te rogamus, audi nos!” 

The convulsions stop as I begin to choke. My whole body is on fire. It is consuming me from the inside. I can’t breathe. I scream my throat raw as the smoke escapes my body. 

“Please...help...me.” 

“You’re safe now. We’ve got you.” Dean’s voice sounds wrecked. I feel his warm arms wrap around my limp body and pull me against his chest. Sam’s big hands applying pressure to my wounds. I can’t tell which of us is shaking. 

“I- I don’t want t-to die.” My words slur. I hope they understand. 

“We’ll get you to the hospital.” Dean’s whisper chokes in my ear. 

“I-I don’t want to be like-like this anymore.” 

“We’ll do whatever you need.” Sam’s steady determination has my full attention. “But you have to promise to always keep fighting.” 


End file.
